Final Fantasy Madness, Insanity, and Dementia
by E-san
Summary: The effects of a sugar-crazed Raine on the poor FF7 cast. Continuation dependant upon reviews. Will eventually include everyone.
1. Stick Search

Disclaimer: I own NONE of these characters. They belong to Squaresoft. *sniffles*  
  
  
"Give it back!"  
"No! 'smine!"  
"Tifa! Sephiroth won't give me my black marble back!"  
Sephiroth stuck his tongue out at Cloud. "Yeah, get your girlfriend to protect you. 'Fraidy cat!" He made kissing noises at the smaller boy.  
Cloud made a face. "Eww...gross!"  
Tifa glared at him. "You don't want a kiss? Fine!" She immediately turned and kissed Rudolph, who was sitting next to her. Rude blushed.  
Cloud glared at Tifa. "Meanie! You don't love me!" He began to cry.  
"Shuttup!" Sephiroth bashed him on the head with the stick he liked to pretend was a sword. "You're such a baby!"  
"Am not!"  
"Are too!"  
"Am not!"  
"Am not!"  
"Are too!"  
"See? Told ya!"  
Cloud's lip trembled. "Waaah! Tiiiifaaaa! Sephiroth tricked meee!"  
Sephiroth bashed him over the head again. "Shut up! You are so stupid!"  
"Waaaaah! Tiii-"  
"Shut up!" Tifa jumped up and kicked him in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him. Cloud tried to hit her back, but Sephiroth whacked him in the stomach, then dropped his pet snake, Zolom, on Cloud.  
"My hero!" Tifa flung her arms around Sephiroth's neck and kissed him. Sephiroth yelped and jumped backwards, tripping over Tifa's cat, Nanaki. They both fell on the floor.  
"Ewwww!" Came the exclamation from Rude and his best friend, Reno.  
Tifa grinned and was about to kiss Sephiroth again when loud, colorful swears were heard. Cid, Cloud's older brother, had tripped over Sephiroth's fallen 'sword'.  
"Goddamn kids! What the hell's wrong with you, leaving sticks on the floor for people to trip on?" He chased them all outside, flinging the stick he'd broken in half after them.  
Sephiroth held up his broken sword sadly. It was the very best sword he'd ever had, ever since his mom broke his first one for spilling grape juice on her new white rug. He didn't see why she'd been so mad. Purple was so much prettier than white. Turning so no one could see him, Sephiroth let the tears roll down his cheeks. But Zack, Cloud's other older brother, was sitting on the porch and saw him.  
"Hey, kid." He came over to kneel beside the silver-haired child. "What's wrong?"  
Sephiroth turned his head away and refused to answer, but held up the broken stick for Zack to see. The teenager took both halves in his hand and examined them. "Don't worry. Would you like me to take you to find another one?" He waited until the boy nodded before standing up.  
Yuffie watched Zack and Sephiroth closely. She had no idea what was going on, but she was determined to make trouble. Creeping up behind Sephiroth, she grabbed two fistfuls of his long, silver hair and yanked. Hard. Sephiroth shrieked. Whipping around, he drove both of his small fists into Yuffie's stomach. She screamed and yanked harder. He reached around and grabbed both of her braids, pulling just as hard as she was.  
They continued yanking each other's hair until Barret, the chubby new kid on the block, bowled them both over in his enthusiasm to meet new people.  
"Hey guys!" He said cheerily, a huge smile on his face. "I'm Barret. What're your names?"  
Yuffie held out her hand after she picked herself up off the ground. "I'm Yuffie. This is Sephiroth. Nice ta meetcha, Barrel."  
"It's Barret." Barret corrected, oblivious to the insult.  
"Oh, right." Yuffie giggled and Sephiroth hid a smirk. "Sorry, Barrel."  
"Uhhh..." Barret said before catching sight of someone else. "Vincent, over here! This is Yuffie and Sephiroth. Guys, this my nanny, Vincent Valentine.  
"Nanny?" Came a voice. A blonde child dressed in white came up behind Barret. Rufus Shin-Ra, the poorest kid in the neighborhood. "You're one of those lazy little richboys, aren't ya?"  
Barret looked down his nose at the scruffy boy. "Lazy! You louse!"  
"What the hell does that mean? Elena! Tseng!"  
Rufus' older sister, Elena, came running up, along with her boyfriend, Tseng.  
"He called me a louse!" Rufus shrieked, pointing an accusing finger at Barret.  
"Did not!"  
"Liar!" Yuffie screeched. "We saw you, didn't we Sephy?"  
"Don't call me that!"  
"Uhhh....little brother? Me 'n' Tseng, we like, don't give a crap about your petty little problems, ya know?" She looked at Tseng. "Ain't that right, Tsengie?"  
Tseng jerked. He had been staring fixedly at Barret's handsome nanny. "Uhhh...right."  
With that, Tseng and Elena left, headed for makeout point. Barret and Vincent left as well, headed back to Barret's mansion.  
"Hey, Yuffie!" Tifa called from the porch. "Wanna play dolls with me?"  
"Sure." She got up and ran towards Tifa. "Bye Sephy!" She called.   
Sephiroth sat by himself for a minute, watching Cloud try to break Zolom's hold on his leg. Then he wandered over to Zack, who was talking to a girl in a ripped pink dress.  
"Look, Aeris, I tell you this every day. My mom has a flower garden. I'm not buying flowers!"  
Aeris leaned forward and whispered something into Zack's ear. He recoiled in horror. "You skank! You know I'm dating Scarlet! Get out of here!" She made a pouting face, but turned and walked away. Zack looked down at Sephiroth, who was tugging on his sleeve. "Oh. You wanna go find a new stick now?"   
Sephiroth grinned and nodded  
"Okay, but first, would you mind rescuing my idiot little brother from your pet snake?"  
"Why?"  
Zack rolled his eyes as he wondered the same thing. "Just do it."  
Sephiroth walked over to where Zolom had wrapped himself around Cloud's leg and held out his hand. Zolom hissed. But he let Cloud go and glided up to Sephiroth's shoulders. Sephiroth stroked the snake's scaly obsidian head and Zolom hissed happily.   
As Sephiroth turned to go with Zack, something rammed into him, knocking him backwards. A black cat riding a moogle bounded up beside him, holding a remote control. "Oh. I'm sorry. I'm Cait Sith. This is my remote-controlled boy, Reeve. Isn't he great?"  
The silver haired child turned to examine the robot. He was quite lifelike. Sephiroth jumped back in surprise when it spoke. "Hi, I'm Reeve. What's your name?"  
The boy looked from Cait Sith to Reeve in confusion, unsure of which one was addressing him. He was rescued from the situation as Zack picked him up and carried him off, whispering into the boy's ear. "Don' talk to him. He works for Hojo."  
Sephiroth shuddered. Hojo was the crazy old mad scientist who lived up on the hill. According to rumors, he was married to a headless, limbless alien named Jenova. The little boy's mother, Lucrecia, often said that he was a brilliant, completely sane man before he married Jenova. He was still brilliant now, just completely insane.  
Zack carried Sephiroth on his shoulders until they reached the forest. He set the child on the ground. "Find a stick you like and I'll get it for you."  
Sephiroth gave a slow smirk. He walked over to a bramble and pointed to a thick, thorny branch. "I like this one."  
"Uhhhh....I'm not so sure!"  
Sephiroth's lip trembled. "Zack! You promised!" He was good at faking emotions when he needed to be. Tears rolled down his cheeks and he looked mournfully up at Zack, whom he judged to be only slightly more intelligent than Cloud.  
"Okay, okay! Stop crying." Zack bent to cut the bramble branch for Sephiroth. He carefully cut enough thorns away to allow the boy to hold it without getting pricked. The boy's sad face changed to a derisive smirk as he accepted the branch and test swung it. At Zack. Who jumped back just in time before it hit him in the leg. "Ahh! You little bastard!" He ran after Sephiroth, who was already running towards the river.  
On the bank of the river, Dr. Hojo and his wife Jenova were in the midst of a lovely little picnic. Resting on the red and white checkerboard tablecloth was a loaf of bread, a block of cheese, a baked ham, and an array of various fruits and vegetables. Hojo opened Cokes for himself and his wife and the happy couple sat down to a peaceful quiet lunch.  
"YOU LITTLE BASTARD!!! GET BACK HERE!!!"  
Sephiroth bounded out of the forest, paying no attention the picnic. He raced right across the tablecloth, scattering the food as he went. He then tried to jump onto the rocks in the river, but Jenova caught him and held him fast in one of her tentacles. Zolom was flung into the river with a hiss. Zack dashed out of the trees next, and Hojo shot him up with a syringe of fast acting tranquilizer. Zack snored where he fell. Sephiroth screamed and beat Jenova where her head should have been with his stick. 


	2. Meanwhile . . . .

Meanwhile, Cait Sith was amusing Tifa, Cloud, Yuffie, Reno, Rude, Rufus, and Barret with the antics of Reeve.   
"Hey Reevie, you wanna marry Priscilla?" Yuffie held up the plastic doll she was playing with.  
"Don't you think she's a little too...small?" Reeve asked.  
Yuffie's lip trembled. "But I wanna do a wedding! Waaaaah!!!"  
Tifa kicked Reeve between the legs. "Now look what you did! Cloud, give Yuffie your marbles!"  
Yuffie's face reddened. "Pervert!" She shrieked at Tifa. Then she turned to Cloud, who was drawing red, green, and blue marbles from his pocket. "Don't you DARE!!" She kicked him and ran away screaming, running straight into Scarlet, who was walking up to the house.  
Scarlet looked down at the girl, pressing her crimson red lips together in disapproval and smoothing the wrinkles out of her trashy red dress. Yuffie, who had fallen at a very bad angle, winced and scrunched her eyes shut. Once again, Scarlet had gone commando.  
"Where's Zack?" She demanded. Yuffie shrugged.   
"He went with Sephiroth to find a new stick after Cid broke Sephiroth's stick." Cloud said, holding the spot where he'd been kicked.   
"Do you know where they went?"  
Reno flicked a hand through his unkempt red hair. "To the forest. Duuuhhh."  
Scarlet's face flushed in anger. "You little brat, how dare you?"  
The redhead looked as though his were about to say something regrettable, but Reeve stepped in. "Ma'am." He said quietly. "I can help you find him, if you like."  
"Make sure we find him fast, that little whore Aeris said he paid her a lot of money."  
Reeve nodded and headed off in the direction taken by the stick hunters. Yuffie ran after him. "Wait, Reevie, I'm coming with you! We have to discuss your wedding plans!" Scarlet sighed and followed the pair.  
  
~ Yeah, yeah, I know. Short and sweet . . . .~ 


	3. Hojo's Laboratory

Dr. Hojo gave a maniacal laugh. He had Zack chained shirtless to the wall, and Sephiroth had been flung into a cage with a pair of fat, smelly men. Hojo leered at Zack and picked up a cattle prod and some dental floss. He held the prod mere millimeters above the teen's chest. Zack looked down at the weapon in fear. He never thought twice about the dental floss. Hojo had done something with it, what exactly that was Zack wasn't sure. "So," Hojo asked, leering his vile, lipless leer, "should I prod you or floss you?"  
"Floss!" Zack replied with no forethought.   
Hojo's leer widened. "I was hoping you were just as stupid as your father."  
Zack opened his mouth to scream at Hojo, but the words never got out. Excruciating pain shoot through him. Hojo laughed. "You didn't think I wouldn't do both, did you?" He asked, waving the cattle prod. Then came the true pain. The floss ripped through his skin, stripping most it off. Zack shrieked in agony.  
In his cage, Sephiroth winced as blood splattered the walls. The dark haired man laughed. The bald man tried to comfort the boy. Sephiroth drew away from the fat bald man.   
"Palmer, trying to scare the child, are we?" Hojo leered at the bald man. "And you, Heiddeger, laughing at his discomfort. Shame on you both!" Hojo blew a whistle that hung about his neck. Both men were immediately set upon by four-winged, two-headed falcons.  
"Now, my silver-haired beauty, it's your turn." Hojo smirked at Sephiroth, who shrunk back into the corner in fright, eyes fixed on Zack. "Don't worry, child. I would never ruin such perfect beauty. In fact, I intend to preserve it. Forever." He followed this with a particularly vile laugh. Sephiroth shrank further into the corner, but Hojo reached in and grabbed him, carrying him down the hall. Soon they reached double doors. The sign above read 'taxidermy'. Sephiroth wasn't sure what that meant, but he had the feeling it wasn't good. Hojo laughed and carried him inside. He set him down on a table amidst various unsterilized medical tools and jars of unidentified alien organs. The boy gulped. Hojo handed him a cup full of dark, steaming liquid. "Drink this."  
Sephiroth looked doubtfully at the liquid and sniffed it. He wrinkled his nose in disgust. It smelled like bitter almonds. "What is this stuff?"  
"Don't worry, it's just tea."  
"I hate tea." Sephiroth flung the cup away.  
Hojo ground his teeth together. "Fine." He walked away, returning with an open Coke in his hand. "Drink this then."  
Sephiroth brought it to his lips to drink, but then he caught the scent of bitter almonds. He looked up at Hojo, complete innocence shining in his aquamarine eyes. "My mommy says I shouldn't drink from bottles other people have already opened."  
"Screw this!" Hojo yelled. He grabbed a syringe, prepared to drive it into Sephiroth's arm.  
"Honey, stop." Jenova glided in from the doorway, a strange blue aura around her. "Let the boy go."  
"Excuse me?"  
"Let the boy go."  
"But-"  
Gunshots interrupted the still air. Hojo crumpled to the floor, a myriad of red holes in his white labcoat. Lucrecia stood in the doorway, an Uzi in each hand.  
"Mommy!" Sephiroth yelled. He ran and flung his arms around Lucrecia.  
"Hojo!" Jenova wailed, flinging herself to the floor and holding Hojo's corpse in her tentacles. The blue aura had faded. She turned to Lucrecia. "How could you? Hojo will never talk again, never laugh...cry or get angry, and it's all your fault." She pulled her husband's body close.  
"What?" Lucrecia asked. "Don't tell me you have feelings now."  
"What do you think I am? A monster? Of course I have feelings!"  
"No...You do not have feelings. There is no need to act sad or angry." Lucrecia bent to pick Sephiroth up, then left, walking quickly down the hallway.  
"How dare you say I don't have feelings? Why wouldn't I?"  
Lucrecia's voice echoed down the empty corridor. "Because, Jenova...you are...a puppet." 


	4. Picnic

"Dammit!" Scarlet screeched as she tripped for the fifth time. "Why the hell are we doing this?"  
"It was your idea." Yuffie shouted. "Hey, I found great flowers for Priscilla's bouquet! Look, Reevie!" She waved the doll and the dandelions at the robotic boy.  
"Yuffie, dandelions are not flowers. They are weeds."  
Yuffie looked as though she might burst into tears. Then her brows drew together and she threw the dandelions at Reeve. "What do you know, anyway!?"  
"More than you."  
The little girl hadn't heard him. She was picking flowers again. She held up a bluebell and a carnation, comparing the two. "Hey, Reevie-" She began, when she was suddenly interrupted by a scream.  
"Ahhhh!!" Scarlet shrieked as she stumbled upon the ravaged picnic, where Lucrecia and Sephiroth had decided not to let good food go to waste. Sephiroth looked up. "Hi guys!"  
Yuffie bounded over to him. "Hey Sephy! Which of these flowers do ya like better?" She held up the pair for his inspection. He shrugged and pointed to the bluebell. "Gee, thanks!" She gave him a big hug, then noticed the spread. "Hey, cheese! Can I have some?"  
Lucrecia smiled. "You're all welcome to join us."  
Yuffie set herself to work eating cheese and fruit. Scarlet sat down by Lucrecia. "Where is Zack?" She asked  
"Well, I found Sephiroth in Hojo's laboratory. Chances are Zack is there as well."  
"YOU LEFT ZACK IN HOJO'S LABORATORY??" Scarlet screeched.  
"Why should it be my duty to rescue him?" Lucrecia snapped. "Besides, Hojo is dead."  
"Oh, yeah!" Scarlet spat sarcastically and rolled her eyes. "That makes me feel all better! What about his goddamned wife?!"  
"She's not my problem, Scarlet." Lucrecia said quietly. Then she jumped up, whipped out her Uzi's, kicked Scarlet to the ground and pointed them at her. "And don't you DARE speak to me that way EVER again, bitch!"  
Just as a fight was about to ensue, Barret and his nanny showed up. Vincent carried a picnic basket in his claw. Both looked quite shocked at the scene they happened upon.  
"Now now," Barret said, jumping between the feuding women, "you mustn't act like this in front of the children." He gestured at the small trio. Sephiroth and Yuffie watched intently, while Reeve looked on in utter shock.  
Scarlet snorted in derision. Knocking Barret aside, she kicked Lucrecia in the stomach, sending her flying backwards. Immediately Sephiroth was upon her, beating at her face with his bramble stick. Yuffie joined him, yanking on Scarlet's hair with one hand and beating at her with Priscilla with the other. Lucrecia laughed. Reeve looked shocked out of his wits. Barret screeched as every swipe of Sephiroth's bramble stick showered him in blood. Vincent paid him no mind. He stared at Lucrecia, who was quite possibly the most enchantingly gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. She had noticed him as well. She smiled and put her guns away, walking slowly towards him. Self-consciously, Vincent hid his bronze arm behind his back. Lucrecia smiled at him. Her smile was like the first ray of brilliant sunshine that lit up his dull life. He smiled back, and held out his arm. "Vincent Valentine, my lady. And if I am worthy of knowing, what are you called?"  
Lucrecia blushed. Vincent was so charming. She took his hand and shook it warmly. "I'm Lucrecia."  
Vincent smiled again and bowed. "A beautiful name that befits a beautiful lady such as yourself."  
Lucrecia blushed and giggled. "You are so charming, Vincent." Sephiroth appeared at her side, cleaning his bloody weapon. She gestured to him. "This is my son, Sephiroth." Sephiroth examined Vincent, determining whether he was deserving of his mother's affection. Lucrecia gulped, remembering what had happened to her last suitor. She sighed in relief when Sephiroth held out his hand to Vincent. The vampire took his hand and shook it. Then Jenova showed up.  
"Murdering bitch!!" She shrieked. She used one tentacle to disarm Lucrecia, then wrapped another around her waist, lifting her off the ground. Another two disarmed and hoisted Sephiroth. Yuffie yelped and jumped on Sephiroth, pulling him back to the ground. The pair landed with a thump. Sephiroth jumped up and grabbed his bramble, giving the tentacles that held his mother a severe beating. Vincent whipped out his Death Penalty and shot Jenova. She crumpled to the ground, greenish-blue blood oozing from her wounds. 


End file.
